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If I gave birth to a daughter this time of year, I would name her Noel. Only I would spell it: N-O-E - Your Mom was great last night!!!

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December 7th, 2009

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09:08 am - If I gave birth to a daughter this time of year, I would name her Noel. Only I would spell it: N-O-E
Get it??? I think I'm going to use this entry for jokes that I think of that I want to get written down. I can't remember any others at the moment off the top of my head, but I figure I can come back and edit this entry to include them as they occur to me! Enjoy :)

My birthday is January 8th, though I was meant to be born on the 1st. By my math that makes me an April Fool's baby. Perhaps that's why I'm so funny! Perhaps at the end of things that fateful April Fool's day my father proudly proclaimed "APRIL FOOL'S--I actually didn't put on a condom!!!" The joke was on them nine months later, when I arrived...

I would like to begin with a very serious topic. We've all heard about racism, and sexism, and the plagues that they continue to affect upon humanity. Today I'd like to talk to you about another eggregious form of discrimination that I believe is infecting society: Heightism. I'm sick of tall people looking down on me. Just because they think they're so much bigger than me! They need to get down off their high horse, see me eye-to-eye and realize that they are not necessarily better than me because they're bigger than me. Aside (in a deeper audience-membered voice): "Heh heh, I like her, she's PUNNY."

Good morning/afternoon/evening, how's it going?!? Are you all/guys ready to LAUGH? (uproarous drunken applause from the audience) Wonderful! Because I'm hear today to talk to you all about suicide!!! Seriously though, why is it you go to see a doctor, you tell him or her that you've tried taking your life by consuming an entire bo"ttle of pills, and the first response uttered from their mouth is "Well I'm going to prescribe you an entire bottle of pills..." I mean, what (wild hand gesturing)??! "Did you not hear what I just told you?!?!??"

This may just be the weasel describing the rabbit as a "shady-looking rodent" but, ...

You have to learn to treat crap like gold before you can ever have gold.

I was listening to the radio the other day. Anyone like the radio? Can I just say--thank goodness for cheating hoe's and drugs, am I right ?!?? Otherwise...what would rock and roll stars write songs ABOUT ?!??!??! *imitates playing a guitar while singing* "Yeahh, I have a steady girlfriend she's the best. We don't smoke or drink or do drugs because that's sinful. Instead we like to get ice cream and take long walks in the park and watch reruns of Lost on DVD, remember that show?? That show was GREATTTT"
Current Mood: sillysilly
Current Music: Linkin Park: "In the End"

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